A Work In Progress

Well, believe it or not, I did not drop off the face of the earth. I am lousy at following through with things, I will get that out on the table right now. I am determined not to "belly-flop" though, consider me mid-dive.

I have officially lost all the baby weight which is a wonderful feeling. I gained back most of the weight I lost, but have managed to lose it all plus a few more pounds (about 11-12 pounds total) in the last two and a half weeks. If I keep my focus, I am able to progress. I am so dissappointed in myself, though, for all the time wasted. I have a million reasons why it hasn't happened like I planned. Some are legitimate reasons and some are just excuses. But I am working on it.

I wish I had more self-discipline. I am learning everyday of new weaknesses I posess, or I guess I should say I am starting to recognize existing weaknesses. I want so badly to overcome each and every one of them immediately and become this perfect, strong woman. It has been a great struggle this past week or so to realize that that is not going to happen as quickly as I would like.


I don't know that I have ever been so tired, er, exhausted, in my entire life. There have certainly been times when I have felt worn down and burned out, but there has generally always been a respite following them. Right now, I see no respite in sight. I love being a mother with every fiber of my being. It is truly the role I feel most qualified to play in life. Everyone tells you how tired you will be, but I don't know if it is a concept one can even comprehend until they find themselves here, carrying this mantle that is motherhood. I was not, am not, prepared for the strain of sleepless night after sleepless night. It is taking a toll on me. Little A has had double ear infections followed by teething followed by more double ear infections followed by more teething, for the last 4 months. She sleeps so well during the day for her naps and is the picture of pleasantness, but nighttime rolls around and she is up consistently two to three times a night. Add to that the fact that my husband works a swing shift, and my nights are shot. I wake up around 6:30 am and lay in a fog for an hour.

I need to find a solution. The looming thought of weaning Little A has been on the forefront of my mind lately. It breaks my heart, but I know that in order to lose the weight I need to lose it is going to have to take place. It also might help her sleep through the night better. But she WILL NOT take formula or milk. This is foreign territory for me, and I am at a loss.

That is how I feel right now... at a loss.

I apologize for the length of this post, and the fact that it is likely not coherent. But I feel like things are sorted out a little better in my head...and isn't that the point?

High Dive

I have been contemplating this next move for over a month now...

It's a bit like deciding to jump of the high dive...first you talk about it, a lot. Then you decide not to do it. Then your friends call you chicken. You reply with, "I'm not a chicken!" and climb out of the pool wondering why on earth you are doing what you are about to do. You stand shivering in line at the bottom thinking, "Really?! Really?!?" As you begin to ascend the ladder and walk out on the diving board, your heart begins to pound out of your chest, and then you quickly turn back and contemplate going back down the ladder. You probably repeat this process a few more times. What is the worst that could happen? Public humiliation as you belly flop? Pain? A swift rescue by the nearest lifeguard? Or maybe you enter the water smoothly, experiencing a new sense of adventure and the sweet taste of victory for conquering your fear and proving something to the doubters.

I am ready to jump.

Today represents my dive.

Only the days and months that follow will show whether I belly-flop (no pun intended) or show my grace.

I have been working for several weeks to lose weight, eat healthier, become better at taking care of myself. My goal is to be 70 pounds lighter by the Huge Family Reunion in July.

In order to motivate myself and increase my chances at success, every Tuesday I will log on and record my progress towards my goal. I WILL NOT tell everyone my current weight, but will record the number of pounds lost each week, as well as how I am doing it. I trust you to hold me accountable. Check back...let me know you are watching...and "weighting"...and holding your breath as I jump.

I have yet to come up with a catchy name for this weekly post, so if you have any ideas, I am open.

Let the diving begin.