I'm Going to Jackson

To make up for a post with so many words...here is one with very few:

THANK YOU FOR A WONDERFUL TRIP, GRANDMA AND GRANDPA!

Selfish

I am struggling to find the words to express my thoughts tonight. Peter and I just returned a few days ago from a week-long trip to Jackson, WY. As I mentioned in a former post, last week was the week I wanted to attain my weight loss goals.

I didn't make it.

It is no surprise to me. It is a dissappointing feeling to know I didn't reach a goal I so badly wanted. But the truth is, I didn't want it bad enough. I want you to know I have not quit, I have not failed. I am losing weight. I haven't gained back any of the weight I have lost, and I weigh less than I have almost 2 years. And I am proud of that. It is extremely frustrating to be where I am at right now, but I do feel I am making progress.

But I came to a realization last weekend. This goal wasn't set for the right reasons. The process wasn't taking place for me. The goal was set to make others happy, to prove something to those I love. I was doing it for Peter, for my daughter, for my family. Those are worthy things, and I realize that, but they were not appropriate reasons for me to lose the weight. In order for me to find the motivation, I have to do this FOR ME. That sounds selfish. It feels selfish. But it also feels right.

I stayed up one night while we were in Jackson talking with my brother and his wife about my husband's school and career choices. Jeremy made the comment that whatever Peter wants to do, he has to be selfish about it in order to make sure he achieves it. He made the comment that it sounds terrible, but in order to accomplish something very important to you, you have to do whatever it takes to make it happen and do the best job you can if you truly want to be happy with what you are doing. And when you are happy doing what you want to be doing, everything else will work out. (Sorry if I butchered this, Jer.) Your family will be happy because you are happy with your choices, you will be successful because you are proud with what you are accomplishing. As I sat here tonight, I realized that this applies to me.

I am going to be selfish. I am going to do what I need to do to lose this weight. I am going to take myself into consideration first. It sounds awful, but as I begin to accomplish this goal for myself, I will become happier, in turn resulting in me becoming a better mother, a better wife, a better woman. I have already started, and it feels different this time. I can feel the success and happiness starting to run through my vines.